Still Holding Out For You
by flashpenguin
Summary: Consumed with grief and regret, Hotch still finds it difficult to move on. Until Hailey gives him a reason to live again.


_This story came to me a long time ago, but I could never put it into words. In fact, the thought of using Aaron and Hailey never crossed my mind as possible storytellers. But in one moment, everything fell into place as I realized that I know exactly how Aaron feels. Especially when you do something you thought was right, only to find out it was the worst decision you could have made and you are left alone to pick up the pieces of your shattered soul with no one there to help you. It takes time to learn to walk again, but it does come. How we get to that moment is different for everyone. Mine was a kitten from heaven. Aaron's will be just as special and meaningful._

_This story is dedicated to Mark. Like Aaron, I have so many regrets and wishes to say those three little words one more time. I know all I have to do is stand still and feel your hand on my shoulder. I love you._

_Song prompt: "Still Holding Out For You" by SHeDAISY_

* * *

**Still Holding Out For You**

Hotch opened the closet door and pulled another box down from the shelf. He finally had a free Saturday alone and decided to spring clean and finish unpacking.

Since Hailey's death and the move, Hotch had unpacked only the most necessary of items and threw everything else in the attic or closets. And what he hadn't stored or sorted, he gave away. The bedroom furniture, the couch, the recliner that had been his favourite…all found new homes. He could have kept them but each held a reminder of where he and Hailey had made love.

There was no way he could have kept the furniture without crying. Nor could he have gone near them. He wasn't trying to banish Hailey's memory; he was trying to maintain his sanity. But with each day, he wondered if it was a losing battle.

Guilt was a powerful weapon that life used to keep pounding him over the head with. He didn't mind. He deserved it. If he could live to be a thousand, he would never understand why Hailey was taken and not him. He had things worthy of being in her place. Jack would have been so much better off with her. _Why?_

It was a question that kept him up at night. He had no answers but that didn't stop him from screaming at the heavens and praying for a miracle. But that miracle never came. The answer to the only prayer he ever prayed.

If he had regret, it would be that he never got to tell her that he was sorry. If he had to push the regret envelope, he never got to tell her that he loved her. He'd sell his soul to see her one more time. To kiss her and feel her breath on his skin. He'd spend an eternity in hell to feel her in his arms one more time.

What he would give for a time machine. He would go back and… He blinked back the tears because it was a waste of time to wish for a miracle or a second chance. Second chances were only for people who deserved them. He didn't deserve anything. Not anymore.

At least he was getting better at hiding his grief from Jack. Except for when Jack managed to catch him crying over the sink while washing dishes. For a moment he had found himself crying in every room- including the shower- and twice while mowing the lawn. That time he blamed it on allergies. But after a year, he had managed to confine the tears to one room, so he must be getting better.

Until the day Jack came home saying that he had been cast in his school's production of Pirates of Penzance. It had taken everything to not leave the room and paste a smile to his face, but that night, in the privacy of his bedroom, he had placed the pillow over his head and wept.

Now he was cleaning out boxes and rearranging his pathetic existence and trying to make sense out of nonsense. And still nothing felt right. How could it when his heart was shredded?

Dave had tried to talk to him, but his words had fallen on deaf ears. Two quiet weekends out at the cabin had only increased his guilt because in hindsight, he could have tried a little harder to keep his family safe. He had thanked Dave for trying but isolation in the woods was not what he needed.

What did he need? Hell if he knew. Dozens of books, two counseling sessions, and hours of soul searching failed to supply the answer he needed to move on.

_You're a failure,_ his conscience screamed. _You failed Hailey and you failed Jack. Someday Jack is going to find out and then what will you do?_

He would worry about that when the time arrived.

Standing on tiptoes, he pulled four boxes off the top shelf and quickly looked thru them. With a red sharpie, he marked each one's contents and the date. Reaching again, he did a quick sweep with his hand and brushed up against something. Twice he tried to get the item but failed.

Curious, he pulled the chair from the window over and stood on it.

Tucked in the corner was a white shoebox tied with a yellow ribbon. Taken aback, he tried to remember if he had ever seen that particular box before. Reaching out, he grabbed it and brought it down.

Walking over to the bed, he sat down and untied the ribbon. Lifting the lid, he held his breath as he waited to see what lie inside. _What in the world?_ He muttered silently.

Pictures of Jack and Hailey in the park, lying in bed asleep, laughing, smiling, and playing around. Trinkets, cards, a couple of pieces of macaroni from a broken necklace Jack had made in preschool- a necklace that Hailey had lost. How had the necklace gotten in the box?

Then he held his breath. It was photo of him in his pirate's hat standing next to Hailey. The photo was old and brown around the edges, but there was no denying the smile across his face. He was happy. He had everything then and never imagined wanting more.

Where had the time gone? The innocence? His smile?

Sorting thru the box, he saw his name on an envelope. Taking it out, he ripped it open. Unfolding the paper, he found the air sucked out of his lungs as he recognized Hailey's handwriting. Blinking back tears that suddenly blinded him, he began reading.

_Dear Aaron,_

_If you are reading this, I guess it means that my deepest fear has come true and we were found. Please tell me that you and the team got there in time to save Jack. Although, if you are reading this, I know you did. I know you are blaming yourself for what happened. And as much as I would love to agree, I know that I bear some of that responsibility. _

_You did the best you could. And sometimes that wasn't good enough for me. I wanted all of you all of the time. You made your vow to love and cherish me, so I couldn't understand why you had to put your job ahead of me. I was jealous and angry that every time I had you with me, you were called in to find someone else's wife, daughter, or son. I couldn't understand why you had to put them first. And even now I question your loyalty to strangers more than your loyalty to me._

_I had hoped that Jack would have made you realize that you needed to stop taking risks and go back to being a prosecutor and give up that stupid FBI job. Yes, I said stupid FBI job. I don't regret it; I just wish I had said it out loud when I had the chance because maybe things would have turned out different between us._

_I hated you for so long. I hated that you chose not to fight for me and Jack. I hated that you chose to send us away and stay with the team you loved more than your family. I want to know how you can have such deep feelings for people who are not your legal responsibility. How is that possible? How does it make sense? The only conclusion I can come to is that is who you are- and I am sorry for not seeing that when it mattered._

_I admit that I pushed you away. I know that you did a lot of things wrong, but I bear a lot of that fault too. I could have listened a little more or shut up when you needed your time alone. I could have stopped trying to push you into a corner and make you feel. There are a million things I wish I could have done differently and if I live to be a thousand, I will always regret those last words I shouted to you in anger. I didn't mean it. But I wish the last memory of me could have been a good one. Unfortunately, I don't have a time machine. But I do have a pen and paper, and with any luck, this letter will find you. _

_But here I am in this place trying to make a home for Jack before we have to move on again. I am keeping my promise to you that we are on vacation. But he still has a hundred questions…of which there are no easy answers. I always thought that I would be a better parent than what I had growing up. I thought I would have all the answers so when _**my**_ child wanted to know something, I would be able to spout off the answer at the drop of a hat. _

_They don't cover witness protection in What To Expect When You're Expecting and that there are no easy answers to "Where is Daddy?" "Why can't Daddy live with us?" "When are we going home, Mommy so we can see Daddy?" They don't tell you when you'll stop crying yourself to sleep._

_If I know you do it too; you're beating yourself up for not telling me you're sorry and you love me. I know you are and I know you still do. I never told you that I never stopped loving you and I forgive you. You did the best you could. And so did I. That has to count for something, right? Please tell me it does, because a lifetime of regrets is bad, but an eternity is hell. And no matter what happened between us, you don't deserve hell._

_But you're here now. You're what's going to help Jack thru this. You can't beat yourself up over what happened and what happened in the past between us. We failed at happily ever after. It hurts to admit that, but we succeeded at Jack. He is what kept me sane when my arms reached for you in the middle of the night. He is that little part of you that I could say I love you to and mean it. And he's the little part of me that is going to give that back to you. Take what he's going to give you and don't regret it._

_Stop crying over what couldn't be helped. If I know you, you want your second chance to say "I love you Hailey". So, here is your chance. Say it out loud and mean it. Then turn the page over._

He did as he was told and spoke the words aloud. Then he turned the page over.

_I love you too Aaron. You're forgiven. I will always be there for you and Jack, but you have to move on. Hold me in your heart, but make room for someone else. I pray that she loves you and understands you more than I did. Be the best parent you can to our son. Love him, hold him, tell him the good and bad about me and you and don't ever be ashamed for doing the best you can. You are only human Aaron; you are allowed to break down. Allow yourself that one thing that will make you a better person and father, because you and Jack deserve only the best. _

_Open your heart and let love in. This is my only request._

_Always._

_Hailey_

The paper was smudged at the bottom from tears. Her tears. His last connection to her. Well at least he didn't have to find a way to tell her that he lost his ring in the move. At least he kept his promise of not wearing it. He could almost hear her laughing at him.

Folding the letter, he placed it back in the envelope. Maybe someday he would let Jack read it. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a little tiny box. Picking it up, he opened it. And blinked. It was his ring. But where? How?

"Thank you Hailey," he spoke to the empty room. He meant it. He wouldn't wear it, but at least now he knew where it was. She had tried so many times to get his attention. This time she got it.

Softer than an angel's kiss, he felt a hand of comfort cover his shoulder. Reaching up, he placed his hand in that same spot. Then a feeling of sweet peace tingled thru his body. She was with him. With that little touch, she let him know that she would never be more than a touch away.

Placing the ring back in the shoebox, he secured the lid. Standing on the chair, he tucked it back in the corner. Just like Hailey. There, above him, tucked in a corner, watching over him, and there whenever he needed her.

Then he closed the door.


End file.
